A New Ring, A New Lord
by Alcarcalimo
Summary: A collaboration of the first half of my freshman year at MukwonagoHighSchool, and all the things that should have happened, with MAJOR irony in the plot.....


A New Ring,  
A New Lord  
A Tale of hobbits, Mutants, and 4x4's alike  
  
A Fan-Fiction Tale By  
Bobby Sharon  
  
Characters:  
  
Amanda B Harry Amanda h Hermione Bobby Ron Liz Voldemort Lyssa Rob Father Ryan Mother Sara  
  
HER HIM  
  
Ice man Night Crawler Pyro Rogue Wolverine  
  
Frodo Gandalf Legolas Sam  
  
Author's Notes Well, my laptop got a virus or something, so it stopped working and I lost my first fan fiction. I hope you enjoy this, and I hope it is as much fun reading it, as I had writing it. It may become confusing, but I think you'll get it...did you know that typewriter is the longest possible word that can be typed only on one line of the entire keyboard????? Yeah.. And a stewardess is one of the longest possible words that can be typed with one hand on the correct side of the keyboard!?!?!?!?! Okay, done now.  
  
ENJOY!!!!!  
  
Chapter 1  
  
[At the rise of the scene we see merely a crib, and two parent leaning over it. We hear a baby laugh, and that is all]  
  
Father: There we go, honey, she's in bed. The first  
time she's ever slept in a crib. (starts to whimper)  
  
Mother: Get a hold of yourself!!!!! If you're gonna  
act this way on everything she ever does, she'll never be  
able to walk out the front door!!!!  
  
Father: (hysterical) WALK!?!?!? Next she'll be  
pregnant!!!!!  
(pulls out tissue, blows nose, and walks out)  
  
Mother: And I'll be a real actress.I mean, grandmother.  
(walks out)  
  
[Baby gurgles itself to sleep]  
  
Little do this little baby's parents know what will actually happen in their baby's future. For their time was severed, that very night. The little girl was kidnapped, by the devil himself and taken away to the evil underworld, to live for fifteen years. There, she was taught, and raised, in a simulated environment of where she used to live. The Devil and his wife changed forms to look like her parents, and raised her with their vision of the perfect daughter (an SUV.). While she lived there, Hell was transformed by the Devil to resemble Earth. This made all of the residents happy, seeing as how they got a vacation away from flames and molten lava pouring out of every available angle. Now, enough with her life, and lets move to the lives of others, shall we?  
  
In the dreadful year of 1987, there was a companion to this little devil- child. At the time of birth, no one thought it possible that this little girl would one day imitate men in every way, even dressing in the same locker room as them, only to avoid her real identity. She would become the tied-in-first-place cocky-attitude companion to the other tied-in-first- place cocky-attitude devil child. Let us move on.  
  
The current year is 2002, in the summer in no-where Mukwonago, Wisconsin. The setting is the MHS Centre, where there is rehearsal for a play that will be performed within the next couple of hours. We meet our writer, Bobby, and his new friend, Lyssa. They are about to run some lines for the play.  
  
Bobby & Lyssa: To do the dishes, time to do the  
dishes again! (laughter)  
  
Lyssa: We are such dorks! Well, good luck  
tonight, and tomorrow, my Little Freshman!  
  
Bobby: Yeah, we are dorks.and thanks, good luck  
to you too!  
  
Well, the performances went great. And a new friendship began almost ask quickly as the play did. This was the Devil's opportunity. For He was in the audience at the final performance, and he knew that this was the time to let his child go. She was ready, and she would run havoc throughout the entire town. then the world.  
  
The 3rd of September came quite quickly this year, more than any other year, and no one knows why. With it now being the first day of school (second for freshman), there was much chaos throughout the halls of Mukwonago High School. Not only was it "Freshman Kill Day", but many people were catching up with friends about what happened over their summer holiday. The first weeks of school went fine for our characters, but there is to be a change. A person will change everything for everyone, in possibly the world. You see, the date is now somewhere near the middle of September. The auditions for the Drama Club's annual fall main stage are about to undergo, and there is much tension in the room.  
  
Bobby: Sara, I really hope that I do good up there.  
This is really intense. I mean.okay.I've acted with Matt  
over there since the 7th grade, and he's not that good.  
Erik Ruddies has NO chance, and I don't think I do either.  
I mean, how good are all of these other guys?  
  
Sara: Bobby.(smacks Bobby in the head) you're dumb!!!!  
You'll do fine! Who are you auditioning for?  
  
Bobby: Um.well.I like the sound of "District Attorney  
Flint", but to be called "Stevens" would be cool. What's  
the Dutch guy's name? "Something Sequist"?????  
  
Sara: YOU ARE SO DUMB!!!!!! It's Seguird Jungquist!!!!!!  
  
Bobby: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
Right!!!!!  
  
Ms. Reese: Bobby Sharon????? You are trying out for  
the Flint part, over.here, correct?  
  
Bobby: Yes.  
  
Ms. Reese: Well then.get up there on the stage and read  
from the opening speech, over.here, please.  
  
Well, Bobby became a bit nervous as he walked up to the stage. Thoughts of him auditioning terrible, and him having to cry and run out of the Centre flashed in and out of his mind.  
  
Bobby's Thoughts: What if I suck? What if Sara  
laughs? What if I feint out of pressure? No,  
stop..get ahold of yourself!!!!! You'll do fine!!!!!  
You are going to be a real actor!!!!!  
  
So, he finally got on stage, and did his thing. It wasn't half bad, but a hell of a lot better than the other freshman.(hee hee hee). He went back to his seat, and a male looking female came and sat next to him. The only way you could tell it was a girl was by the breasts..(although, they really turn out to be just large sacs of fat on the front of his body, not boobs)..she introduces herself to us as Jessica.(dun, dun, dun!!!!!).  
  
HIM/HER: I thought you did a wonderful job up there..so  
much better than that Matt kid. Allow myself to  
introduce..myself..I'M JESSICA PROVENCHER!!!!!!  
(the entire auditorium cringes at the resounding echo of  
her, I mean his, loud emphasis on "I'm")  
  
Bobby: Um..Hi, I'm Bobby Sharon..um..it's nice  
to..ah..meet..you..Jessica? (cringes at the name)  
  
HIM/HER: Yes, I AM Jessica..and my theory is.."If I eat  
sooooooooooooo much..and become soooooooooo immensly  
fat..that you, Bobby, will be gravitationally pulled  
towards my ass!!!!!"  
  
Bobby's Thoughts: If you could miss it!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Sara: Who the hell are you?  
  
It: I..AM..JESSICA!!!!!!!!!! (flight attendant voice) Now  
ladies and gentlemen, please make sure you are in your seats at  
all times on this flight, seeing as there may be much  
turbulence. The trip should take a little over 24 hours and we  
will land at the AssCrack Airport Terminal for your arrival. We  
will be here to get you anything you need on this once-in-a-  
lifetime flight (seeing as how you will die from the trauma of  
IT'S ass!). Thank you and have a nice day..  
  
Bobby: (to Sara) Do you think she's a skitzo?  
  
Sara: (agreeing) Mmm-hmm!  
  
Megan: What is the ruckus over in this area of the Centre?  
(gesturing to Bobby, Sara, and IT while looking at the ceiling)  
Oh, it's just the new freshman..no, not you..uh..Bobby, wasn't  
it?..  
  
Bobby: Yeah..  
  
Megan: Oh, no. Not you, dear. I was referring to the..  
(under her breath she mutters Rhinoceros)..(questionably)  
girl?.that is to the side of you..  
  
IT: My flipping name is JESSICA!!!!!!!!!! And I believe that  
Bobby is the only right person in the world for me. You see, I  
believe that he might know something about my real father's  
where..about..ssssssssss..because I don't feel at home here on  
Earth. Shit, I mean Mukwonago..but I will stay here only for  
Bobby, and the other occasional men that come along..Ryan, Erik,  
Matt, Ross, Russ, and anyone else, (just to name a few) only  
because I love them all equally and my plan of world domination  
will only go through if I sleep with at least one of them, get  
pregnant with their will-be-devil child, and I.WILL. RULE. THE.  
WORLD!!!!!!!!!! You, as lowly Hobbits.Elves.HUMANS.Mutants.what  
ever the hell you are.will have a QUEEN!!!!!! (starts singing  
to self) 'Mama. Just killed a man. Put a gun against his head,  
pulled my trigger now he's dead..'  
  
Everyone in the Centre (excluding Ms. Reese, whom just happens to be crying because she thought that was the most beautiful speech she had ever heard):  
(randomly by different people) WHORE!!!!!! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?????? GO HOME!!!!!!!!!! STUPID COW!!!!!!!!!! RHINOSOROUS!!!!! WILD PACK OF JESSICA!!!!!!!!!! GOD!!! GO EAT A MATT!!!!!  
  
Well, little to say, It was slightly offended, and ran out of the Centre crying, saying it was all Bobby's fault.  
  
chapter 2 the next day, word traveled rather quickly of jessica's defeat the previous day. That is, until the postage of the cast list for the main stage.  
  
as we join our characters, bobby and sara are just about to get off their bus.  
  
Bobby: So how do you think you did yesterday? Cheryl: HAVE A NICE DAY!!!  
Sara: Damnit bobby! If we could only place it in modern  
times!!! I have such a good feeling about what part I'll  
land. Of course, Reese is a little whacko with  
casting.You?  
Bobby: I dunno. Matt's terrible at everything he  
tried.slurred stuff together. Sara: Yeah. What do you think he'll get?  
Bobby: Hope it's nothing great!!! I think that Andy  
guy'll get D.A Flint. Maybe that taller guy with the  
really cool shirt'll get Stevens. I don't want that  
Jungquist guy. He's a scary character.  
Sara: (now approaching The List) We'll see.(looks at The  
List).What the Hell!?!?!? Bobby: What? What'd you get? Sara: NOT ME!!!!! MATT!!!!! Bobby: What about him?  
Sara: LOOK!!!!! (points to top of page) FLINT!!!!! Ugh,  
that woman!!!!! Bobby: What'd you get?  
Sara: um.(looks).(questioning disgustedly) Flint's  
Assistant!?!?!? Great, I have to be by him!  
Bobby: You don't know that, he may quit! Whadid I  
get? Hmm.(searches page).Elmer Sweeney?.Is he the cop? Sara: he's a big dork! (lovingly) Like you! Bobby: (squints eyes and face) nnnnn.like me.nnnnnn Sara: Shut up! You are sooooo dumb!!!!!  
Lyssa: Posted already? D.H. would have at least  
waited till tomorrow. Yes! The Slut! I mean, Ruby  
O'Toole! (looks at bobby) You? Bobby: Elmer Sweeney.Big, dorky, New York cop.  
Sara: (Über ticked tone) LOOK WHO "LANDED" FLINT!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lyssa: (looks at sheet).(drops jaw in shock).(eyes  
widen like she's about to scream).(she  
screeches).NO.WAY!!!!!!!!!! Oh my God, this is not  
happening. OH GOD!!!!!  
Matt: (runs to list).What? What is it? (pushes way through  
group of people) Oh my GAWD, you guys!!!!!  
I.AM.FLINT!!!!! You know, Bobby, with your cocky attitude  
there is NO way in H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks that YOU could  
handle such an.Honorary.role. That's.THREE years in a row  
now that.I, Matthew Quaglieri have landed Myself the lead  
in a play. (smirks) AND, it is to no one buy me, myself,  
and I that I thank. God, I am like a Pharaoh!!!!!  
  
Within that whole speech, everyone had walked away, and Matt stood alone. Bobby, Sara, and Lyssa worked their way to the Athletic Foyer, where Ryan was working the Concession Stand.  
  
Sara: You know, sometimes I just wish that I could line up  
everyone in the world that I hate, and shoot them all in  
the left eye with a single arrow. (bumps into person she  
doesn't see.man drops arrows) Oh! I'm sorry.(looks down to  
pick up arrows).here you.(looks up).go (falls into his  
arms)  
  
By this time, Lyssa has also fallen, but onto the floor. Bobby has been talking to Ryan, and neither of them have any idea of what has just been going on.  
  
Legolas: Umm.Hey, you over there! (bobby turns around,  
and Ryan looks up. There is a loud thud as ryan falls)  
Could you.uh.give me a hand? Bobby: Okay.  
  
So, Bobby slings Lyssa over his shoulder, Legolas slings Sara over his shoulder, and they both drag Ryan into the empty Journalism room. They lay Sara and Lyssa across the tables, and keep walking on and over Ryan.  
  
Bobby: So, you new around here?  
Legolas: No, just visiting. Some friends and I are on  
our way to destroy this really powerful ring. Bobby: Sounds fun.  
Legolas: .constantly being threatened with our well  
being by Orcs, the Dark Lord, and even Frodo. Frodo: Yes chap?  
  
Frodo walks in with Merry, Pipin, and Sam. They're all eating  
bread, and look as if they're going to be sick.  
  
Legolas: after giving them a strange look) Never you  
mind. (to Bobby) The trick is to kiss them just right to  
wake 'em up. Frodo: (with a mouthful of bread) Ooh! Dibs in the Hobbit!  
  
Legolas: NO!! I was the one to feint them. I will be  
the one to wake them. Sam.NO!!  
  
But by the time Legolas had finished, Sam had worked his  
way over to Sara and kissed her with a mouthful of bread.  
  
Sam: Wha? I couldn't stop myself! Her beauty is a force  
that gravitationally pulled me in! I couldn't resist. I  
heard a voice in my head. It said 'Resistence is futile,'  
I swear!  
  
Sara had awoken by now and was gleaming up a Sam like he was the  
most delicious looking food in Middle Earth.  
  
Lyssa: (sits up) God damnit! Could you just get to  
kissing me already! Honest to GOD! It's taken like.20  
years now! Really! Sara got to kiss Sam, so get over here  
Sugarlips and lay one on me, so I can get to class!  
  
Legolas: Okay then, lie down and pretend that you  
haven't woken up yet.  
  
Lyssa: (giggles and claps hands) Yay! (lays down)  
  
Sara: Wait a minute! (glares aat Bobby) What the hell is  
going on here?  
  
Bobby: well Sara, you are all characters in my fan  
fiction, "A New Ring, A New Lord." I have just started the  
fan fiction portion at the end of this chapter. You see,  
Sam just kissed you and Legolas is about to kiss Lyssa, and  
Ryan will just stay feint for a while.  
  
Sara: (sehr Über pissed) WHY CAN'T I KISS HEIM?!?!?  
BOBBY!!! YOU KNOW IT'S MY DREAM!!!!!  
  
Lyssa: WELL, IT'S MINE TOO!!! HOBBIT!!!!!  
  
(there is a long pause of silence, except for the caughing  
coming from Ryan who has become slightly concious and is feeling  
the pain of Bobby and Legolas walking all over him).  
  
Sara: (now pretending to cry) Bobby..why?  
  
Legolas: It's because, the people who have feinted will  
only wake when kissed by someone of their kind. You and I  
are not compatible. Sam on the other hand.yeah.  
  
Sara: (cries harder) well, now I'm up.so, can I kiss you?  
  
Legolas: not as I am now (walks to Sara while pulling  
off ears) but as who I really am.  
  
Ryan: ORLYGASM!!!  
  
Sara: (kisses Orlando and looks up at him with giant anime  
eyes) Whoa, that was nice. I have this whole warm feeling  
inside of me now!! ORLYGASM!!  
  
Orlando: okay, not trying to have an orgy here, but it's  
starting to turn into one. Wo, I'm going to put these  
(holds up ears) back on, and continue my journey. 


End file.
